they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
i woke up with "only hugh can prevent florist friars" written up my arm ... i need to know what we did last night
Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time
i woke up wearing her shoes. this night isn't going on my highlight reel
What time did you start drinking?
Maybe.
Maybe isn't a time...
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
I had a 10 minute conversation with the refrigerator, it was telling me how it likes to be opened and closed. Ecstasy, I love you.
i made the walk of shame wearing her booty shorts that said juicy on the back. i'm still counting it as a good night
seriously the second he called my tits warlocks was the second I knew I wasn't going to fuck him.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
He fucked me on the hood of my car outside his work, and now I'm paranoid that the doggie day care next door might have security cameras.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
