i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
yeah people on the adjacent balcony, Im naked drinking outside in 0 degree weather at 1pm. got a problem?
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
Aaaaand my mom is wearing jeggings...
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
Woke up on a lawn chair hugging a bottle of vodka. Hows your morning so far?
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
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