TAKE DOWN THAT PHOTO OF ME IN THE NURSES COSTUME NOW.
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
Even My mom was ashamed of me bringing her home, she pulled me aside, and told me i can do better than, "butter faces"
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
NOBODY TALKS SHIT ABOUT PANDA EXPRESS
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
I'm basically doing the Walk of Shame without the added bonus of having sex last night. That doesn't look good on anyone.
Randomize
