he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
We've only been here for 15 hours and our names are already on 2 separate police reports. We've also been given our "final warning" by the cops and hotel management.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Vodka Vensday. With a Russian accent... It counts.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
no i'm going to the dr today, he fucking banshee-shrieked in my ear as he was coming and now i can't hear out of it
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
Randomize
