I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
One is full of apple juice. One is full of tequila. This is real russian roulette my friend.
After the baby comes, I'll make us White Russians with my breast milk. That will teach her about sharing.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
My family will be here in an hour and I'm deciding between doing my makeup or saying fuck it and wearing what's left of last night's...
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
he threw his shirt and suit jacket out the window of the uber going home
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
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