At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent
I mean I'm forever immortalized as the one who puked in his dad's straw hat.
Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Not sure how a movie about Jesus has managed to make me feel insecure about my boobs but it has.
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Randomize