i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.
and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
I don't know what it was about last night, but every bar that i went to there was at least one girl there that i had done something with. I'm sure the girl that i went with knew because they all grabbed my penis and told me to call them.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
I have 4 more smokes and 6 more beers to go before I make a life changing decision like that.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
