I don't know what I could have possibly done in a past life to deserve watching my boyfriend projectile vomit margaritas and probs blood while completely naked.
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
As the night goes on these shots are getting so much easier. My liver jst needed a warmup lap.
You know when you can feel the alcohol in your toes? That's a great feeling.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I have the most nasty and explicit wet dreams of my boss that I'm embarrassed to look him in the face. I'd be pregnant or promoted if he only knew
I WOKE UP IN A FUCKING DOG BED HOW DO YOU THINK I FEEL
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.
Honestly I am too high to watch videos of you jerking off right now
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Randomize
