my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
I don't think anyone has ever said "boy I'm glad I took those shots of everclear" when they wake up
Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots
Just pooped at the strip club. NOT NORMAL . I may be a little too comfortable here.
Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.
We left the bar in 2 bicycle cabs. It cost thirty bucks and they took us to the wrong hotel. When we finally made it to the right one we ended up in a room with three randos from alaska. Jammed out with them for like an hour. Those inuits are good guitar players
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
shes taking the breakup well, i walked in on her naked passed out wearing a turban with a bag of peanut butter choc chips in hand at 5 in the afternoon.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
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