Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
The vodka told me to go iceskating on my frozen pool. I may have attempted.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
He said I took his samurai sword off his wall and proceeded to jump off his porch at people coming home from the bar.
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
I think I may have just hit a new slutty low! ..... Just purchased the Costco pack of condoms... $9.99/48 pack = amazing deal! The judgement when I bust out the value pack = priceless!!!
I just spent 30 minutes plucking my 2 month grown out pubes with tweezers so I’m hope your night is going better than mine
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
