i think i just saw hanson at the grocery store. one might have been a girl. hard to tell. lets call that one taylor.
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
The last thing I remember is stabbing him with his diabetes medicine
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
My cab driver just started a conversation with "Three years ago I pleaded guilty..." Check on me later tonight please.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Peeing out the car window on the way home was a nice touch. In December, in Michigan, at 3am. Never seen a girl do that before. Neither had the guy in the minivan next to us.
YOU HAVE PISSED AND FUCKED ON LITERALLY EVERYTHING IN MY HOUSE
Not everything, just a few things. And only a few times. The odds are really not all that bad when you break it down.
you’ve pissed every time you slept over. there’s no such thing as odds anymore. it’s guaranteed
At this point in job hunting, I'm willing to become a leather daddy if it means some sort of income.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
Randomize
