last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
He's covered in dirt and enchiladas. We're going drinking now.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
Just did the walk of shame in front of his dad while I was wearing his gym shorts and my heels from graduation last night. Keep it classy '12
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
Would it be wrong to text my ex and say "congratulations on the new baby that you had with a stripper"?
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
Randomize
