I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
You don't know scared until you've just begun the first stage of an acid trip till a guy on stilts with a creepy mustache and beard says "enter the Forrest"
i woke up with a kayak in my amazon shopping cart with 1 wrong digit on my credit card and the transaction wasn't going through.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.
Who says it wasn't?
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
