i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
As i lay in bed, clutching my face, i'm starting to believe your dick in my eye story.
You distracted them by dancing on the stripper pole, I ripped the flag off the wall, stuffed it in my pants and we were out.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
Currently sifting through all the dick pics and nudes for a picture of my dad and I to post on social media for Father's Day...
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We were having sex but then he spanked me and i punched him but it was just a reflex i swear
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