I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living
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This is sufficient.
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
Randomize
