Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Girl i am always here for you. But i am going to have sex now so im going to call you in the morning.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
I just caught your son trying to perform fellatio on himself. What do I do?
The high school classes are online, not my sex life. He still comes over for “teacher / parent conferences.” A couple more “conferences” and I’ll be able to rewrite the Sex Ed curriculum
she gave me a ride on the back of her motor scooter and i swooned so hard
omg it's like all of your grease 2 fantasies come true i'm so happy for you
Randomize
