What a fucking waste of an outfit
She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
I just had a flashback of me saying "I'm not ready to be a deadbeat mom" lastnight.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Pretty sure they aren't letting me back to karaoke night after I screamed "fuck every one of you tasteless hillbillies!!" because I felt they didn't clap loud enough for Jen.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
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