there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
There were so few words spoken that I'm not sure if it was make-up or break-up sex.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
Randomize