I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
he kept asking me "do you love it? tell me you love it" as I was riding him.
and...?
I told him it was alright.
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
It's just unfortunate. She's a 28 year old woman who looks as if a pelican and ET had a baby. With braces.
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
Mom got high last night and started crying because she feels bad for Paula Deen. This is my family.
just bought myself a "your about to get violated in every way so you deserve this chipotle" steak bowl.
I'll send you pictures of my nipples so you don't feel left out.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
