If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
Pass out mid-funnel last night.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
It's 2016 and I'm somehow banging the milkman.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
