she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
Single person behavior: I wanted a cookie but was too lazy to make or go buy any, so I let cookie dough ice cream melt and ate all the chunks. Pantsless.
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
Whatever. I am not explaining the physics of my dick slapping.
Sorry brah. Drastic times called for drastic measures and I had to go home and bang a cougar.
Cleaning naked can be dangerous. Vacuum cord got stuck on my belly button ring...
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
Beyoncé wouldn't let anything bad happen here
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
Drink water, eat food, and stop tazing yourself
Sitting in a waiting room with 15 children has me contemplating if I ever want to have sex again...
Randomize
