The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
Wheres my essay?
You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
So I paid Bumble $10 to see who liked my profile for a month. Cheap, easy dick. It's all about the economics, yo.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
