Yeah....I really appreciate it....I didn't even get it from hooking up....lame, atleast if a girl gets u sick when u r hooking up it was fun in its inception...
So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I just told my parents that Capt'n Crunch does weird things to my mouth... my dad just stared at me
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.
I woke up with a stapler in my ass. Don't even complain to me.
You peed on a pole and declared to a cop that it was your pole and yelled at him to not even look at it, and then yelled at all of us for looking at it.
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
Sorry I crashed a riding mower into your garage door. No hard feelings??
Is there such thing as dick sucking teeth guards?
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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