she's in the bathroom throwing up right now...what is the hookup protocol after she is done? what all can I do with her?
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?
how could i say no?
They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
Apparently it's not a "bonding moment" when you realize you use the same porn site as your boyfriend
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Checked my bank account this morning...apparently I went to 7-11 at 4am and spent $22 on taquitos. New all time low for me.
I ate all of them. New all time low for ME.
Randomize
