He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
took shots out of a medicine cup. i can get used to college.
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
I was drunk and really grossed out when you poured cheese on me and, I guess I just freaked out.
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