You just made me feel so damn special
So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
Is it wrong i wouldn't sleep with him because his boxers said #1 dad all over them?
Walk of shaming into my apartment. No one to clap me in. Come home!
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
Pennsylvania now holds the distinct honor of being the third state I've crapped my pants in.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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