The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
He Facebook stalked his way right into my pants.
I woke up with her dog licking the wedding cake out of my ear and her sister finishing our Jaeger
nothin like your phone freezing up and sending out old booty calls at 11am on a sunday. fml.
Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.
The bond between me and cheese is something no man can understand.
I'm basically flying you out for a long weekend of sex and going to the zoo
I'm cool with that
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I'm still not 100% sure who I'm sleeping with
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Randomize
