her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.
Drunk at work, covered in Cheetos is no way to go through life.
I found Cheetos.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
you said you were going to the bathroom. we found you an hour later laying in the backyard clutching a bottle of vodka while singing the beatles and crying
Somebody broke the sliding door, and someone ripped the toilet seat off the toilet. So yeah, pretty typical friday night
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