Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
I say go for the trifecta and maybe you'll get a medal or something. Or a baby. That's like the same thing right?
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Did you put Dave Matthews band on the playlist? It's really hard to funnel when "Crash Into Me" kicks in.
He still texted me and invited me over a day later so I guess I'm the lovable kind of psycho
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Randomize
