a kid in a transformers shirt tried to pick me up last night at work. he also rolled up on a bicycle, the kind with pedals. do i look that easy?
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
He has horses apparently. I wonder if we could fuck while riding a horse or if that's too dangerous.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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