my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
Had a dream I was a monkey and smoked pot out of a bong made out of a tree
Spent the entire ride home from downtown trying to convince designated dawgs to drop us off at waffle house instead of our apartment. i told them it was my house...they didn't buy it.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
Worst part of blacking out... Waking up and having to do the teeth check
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
That all sounds beautiful. All I have to offer is my shining personality, extensive amounts of space knowledge, and I hear I am pretty not sucky at sucking dick
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
He said he discovered the mysteries of the universe inside an orange... I want whatever he was on.
I apologize for using the phrase "monster cock hentai porn shit" to describe that guy I picked up last week.
Randomize
