My friends, they love my intelligence
I just looked at all of our spring break pictures... there's a guy getting a blow job in the background of the ones on the beach.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
He brought a TOOTHBRUSH and TOOTHPASTE with us on our date..... I want to go home and forget I ever decided to be nice and go on this date in the first place...... A TOOTHBRUSH!?!?!
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
Drunk me started making nachos apparently but never got to the part with the cheese. There are chips everywhere
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
Randomize
