Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
It felt as i were a pad of butter melting onto a piece of toast.
We need more drag queens in our life I've decided
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Girl it's 3:30 get your life together and come enjoy a bowl, some coffee and a brownie with me
He fucked me in his tour van, I feel like an official groupie.... Except I don't even listen to his band.
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
please don't ironically join a cult
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