So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.
How do you wash franks red hot sauce, whip cream, grapejuice and shame out of silk?
I would just throw it away. You cant just wash out shame, it has to soak for like a month.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
I just got a lecture from your coked out sister about the monetary value of Dothraki hair braids. Take her home.
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
do you think there's enough of the fabric you gave me to make a crop top for a cat?
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Nothing like a near-death experience to start off your Thanksgiving...
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
Randomize
