youre so sexy i want your bod
dude, did you turn gay?
heather?
this is jacob
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
HE ASKED IF I HAD SIBLINGS WHEN I ASKED HIM TO LICK MY ASSHOLE
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
Randomize
