apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
What the hell do I have to give up to manifest a dick
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Your mankini haunted my dreams.
You screamed out "happy birthday Jesus" followed by chugging Bacardi straight out the bottle
I heard Enya coming from steve’s room. I am too high to handle this sudden depth of character
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