omg he said he wants to insert his penis into my vagnia what do i say
tell him to stop quoting family guy
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
better to have posed nude and lost than to never have posed nude at all...thats what i always say
rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I'm gonna write a book one day about how to be the less attractive person girls settle for after getting dumped. I will send you a copy
I have to stop letting him stay all weekend. I feel like a cored apple.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
Wow just discovered I can communicate my favorite sex positions using only emojis god bless this age of technology
Do you know how awkward it is to get a dick pic while working at babies r us?
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
You made me take you back to Mcdonalds so you could yell at the guy for not giving you enough ketchup packets
I vaguely recall french fries...
You then proceeded to call your mom and tell her you weren't coming home because you were "tripping balls"
Sweet...
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