I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.
Bein cut off at a bar is embarassing ...until you get to the next bar.
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
I'd like to come home and be able to sleep in a bed that's not filled with crumbs from you getting too high and passing out while eating. This is seriously getting ridiculous.
Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".
I have had more skin than food in my mouth the last three days
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
He tried to puke in the 14th hole and when I told him to stop he started chanting "hole in one hole in one"
We are going to the humane society and getting you microchipped so you don't get lost on your birthday. Either that or your getting a child leash
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Found out the cop gives spectacular head. Don't ask. We're going out to dinner Saturday.
Randomize
