Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
she tasted like a mixture of sweat and destiny
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.
He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
So i am officially handcuffed to the pole on the party bus while taking jello shots.....this shall be an interesting night
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
Shit on my own feet while puking from my hangover. Is this what 33 is supposed to be like?
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
I was trying to sext but got a notification that my dad and professor both commented on my Facebook photo. Bad timing.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
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