I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I'm drunk and I'm watching it's Alwyas Sunny and eating candy. Even I am jealosu of my life
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break
Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on
Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster
Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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