The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
The acoustics in my bra are fantastic.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I should've realized you were drunk when you began to point at my crotch while yelling "Funland!!!"
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
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