Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?
We gave a starfish gin and Lucky Charms. I think it enjoyed it. Best trip to the beach ever.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
I am not a whore. I just wanted casual drinking, monogamous sex and occasional McDonald's runs.
Randomize
