i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.
Dude it's bad when your 10 year old son makes fun of your penis size.
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
That ass isn’t going to eat itself.
Randomize
