I cant date a girl that sucks dick at sucking dick
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
I can't talk, I can't walk, I think I'm twitching and I'm not even sure if I'm typing this. Help
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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