1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
don't worry. When rigor sets in, we'll make sure to get you laid one last time.
I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I was the girl at the bar last night passing out free condoms and making sure everyone knew how to use them to keep the population down
Dude, you kicked in the door to get to a six-person orgy while yelling "I JUST WANT TO LEARN!!"
These flip flops mean I'm casual, but I'm here to fuck.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
Randomize
