I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals
Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.
That was the greatest thing i have ever read.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I swear to god if I see a single piece of genitalia I'm driving back to LI and smacking you back to the Italian Renaissance
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
Do you think you could cook pancakes while i blow you?
Wait wait wait. You are actually taking advice from this lunatic?
This is the girl who got a balloon full of cocaine through security no questions asked. Of course I'm taking her advice.
Valid.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
