Have you learned any life lessons?
I like big butts and I cannot lie.
Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache
You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice
Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?
I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".
Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?
Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
I only want to come over for sex and blueberry pancakes
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
This chick just walked out of the men's room with molly all over her nose and her shirt half unbuttoned. She nodded to all of us and said "gentlemen" as she exited
Randomize
