Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
Responsibility does not care about your dick.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now
Because everyone is allowed one half drunken 7:30 am walk back to campus in a cowgirl costume, right?
She failed the Charleston discretion test, although puking in her armpit was very innovative.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
The owner was showing me around and pointed at one of the bars and said "this is the one you're allowed to dance on. I could tell you wanted to ask." DREAM JOB.
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
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