you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
Mother fucker. I'm a 30J now. I'm fucking speechless
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Hey! I was tired. I threw up in two parking lots yesterday.
i am going to show so many millionaires my nipple
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
I THINK it was the lead singer. Whoever he was, I have his number and his dick was pierced.
It was totally the lead singer.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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