I am not sure how to feel about the fact that I was turned on by someone with a penis. I can't believe Lady Gaga would do this to me. :(
our cab driver is having phone sex.
There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
Well right but if we go, he may just disappear for a long time into the unknown with the drag queens.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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