New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
I thought if I stared at him long enough he'd walk me to my car. but he didn't. he dddidn't. i rreally thought i had those powers.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
