I just had the fat girl at the party come tell me I look sad and offer me a beer. I'm out.
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
i drank out of a bidet.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
I built a fence. For the bunnies we're going to adopt. I'll fill you in when you get home.
Got stiff armed by the garbage man on the back of the truck...I just wanted to ride one block dude
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
Alas my dad DD'd me. Legit cock blocked to the highest degree
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
Can I just go naked and covered in glitter?
Randomize
