happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
He was hiding behind my bedroom door. at noon. Wearing a t shirt. And a condom. Not attractive.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
The school better be open next year. I’ve been FB stalking Dads of my incoming students and there’s serious DILFage in this class! Maybe 2020 will turn around!
It’s 2020. You’ll probably get knocked up. If you’re really lucky you’ll just get the clap
Randomize
