Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick
She ordered a salad and a budweiser. I love her.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
stumble upon led me to how to make wine in prison, followed by wedding dresses. it knows my life too well
She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
We were high as balls fucking in the back seat when we saw the blue lights. He's like, "I got this" and walked over butt ass naked and goes, "Sorry dude, we're just banging" and the cop apologized for disturbing us and drove off.
I think the paper my teacher just handed back to me had one of his pubes on it, I'm way too hungover for this
I am going to piss jack daniels before daylight.
Daylight. It is daylight. Who will give you a ride back?
I hope no one. I want to walk and have a bus hit me.
where are you?
two trains and a bus walk of shame. so not worth it.
Randomize
