Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE
Wake your sexy ass up. It's donut time.
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
She has the best kind of daddy issues
I can count on one hand the number of good things that happened over the past year.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
Randomize
