I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
I'll miss you, too. On the bright side, a night away from one another might give me a chance to recup seminal fluids.
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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